Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Waiting on the holes to be filled...

Lately I have struggled with something.  I haven't been able to give it words, so I'm not really sure how this is going to go.

I have been through most (if not all) of the emotions one would expect after a miscarriage.  But ultimately I knew I didn't want to be the girl who no one can say "baby" around.
Or invite to baby showers.  
Or talk about pregnancy.

I had to choose between joy of all the new life I am surrounded by, or letting the circumstances steal the delight in celebration with my friends and family.

I absolutely still have days of sadness.
Days of questioning.
Times of heart ache.
I still have moments of weakness when I see others experiencing things that have been taken from us.

One would expect pain with the reminders that we will not be bringing home baby in just a few short months.  But I have been caught off guard by how often I have to remind myself that wont take place.

I still catch myself shopping racks of baby clothes, reading cloth diaper how-to's,  making plans that are no longer necessary... I am a mom with-out a child.  Worse than being reminded by the world that we lost a child, Is having to remind myself that I lost a child.

We as women have been designed this way, it is woven into are existence.  I have witnessed this my whole life growing up on a farm.  So many times I have watched an animal loose their offspring and immediately start to "mother" something else.  A couple years ago a doe lost her fawn during hay season.  She started to think that a small dog was her baby and she hung around for months, often times even acting as if she thought she was just one of the dogs.
As I was navigating these feelings I have been dealing with, I began to consider something that is happening in our yard right now.  We have a guinea hen who had disappeared for awhile and we knew she had probably nested down somewhere she had been laying eggs.  Since she is the only one we have we knew that the eggs would never hatch.  She soon reappeared, we don't know if she just sat until she knew her time was up, or if something disrupted the nest, but either way she had been preparing for a flock of littles, and yet, she had none.

A couple weeks later we got some newly hatched chickens and guineas.  Our guinea hen would circle there pen and talk to them all day.  She would protect them from anything that came close to their pen.  When we began letting them free range she keeps them close.  

Her desire and design to be a mother is at work.

I am sorry to drag on with this critter talk, but I have no words of my own to describe this feeling of "loss" or "emptiness," and these examples put life to these feelings.  Something I took away from the flock in the yard...
They needed a mother as much as she wanted to be one.

Unfortunately, our own "species" if you must, is not without orphans.  
Children who need love and care.

It is said that every hole we have within us is God shaped, and only He can complete us.  
He does not leave the orphans fatherless (or motherless), and His plan is perfect.
Empty "holes" will always be "whole" with God's perfect His Perfect Timing

October is Pregnancy & Infant loss month and through this vulnerability I hope to bring awareness to the struggles of loss... and the Hope of fulfillment through God's perfect plan.  I don't know His plan for us yet, but I do hope that through following along, you will also find hope.