Holes made Whole: 2 become 3, or 4

If you would have asked us in May what November and December looked like for us we would have spoke briefly of turkey and Christmas parties, followed by an anxious, exciting, nervous conversation about "nesting" and preparing our lives for our family to become 3 around the 17th of December!

But just a month later it would have been a totally different conversation.

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Before we ever got married Brett and I talked of adopting and other ways to "care for the orphans."  Brett brought up fostering a couple times but selfishly my heart said no! I didn't think I could handle caring for a child that could at anytime be stripped away from us.  Loving a child as your own for a week or up to year and at any unexpected moment they be removed from our lives.  I wasn't prepared to test my heart in that way.

After we got married and understood the possibility of infertility, my heart was content with that, broken, but content. I knew adopting was an option. 

During a conversation with a particular friend about her health and ability to safely carry a baby, I had even made statements like, "as heart breaking as infertility is, I can't imagine how much more challenging it would be to get pregnant and loose the baby."

So months later when I found myself in the midst of that exact trial, I questioned God, "why would He take a heart content with absence, and tear it with loss?"

Eventually, He would answer that question for me...

My heart was also selfishly content with disobeying a very important commandment... to care for orphans

I was only willing to do this on my own terms, within my own comfort-zone.

My number one reason for not wanting to foster was because those children could be taken from me at anytime.  Through miscarriage, God showed me that even "my own" children, are not my own, and can still be taken from us at anytime.  Children are a blessing, despite how they come to us, and every child deserves a loving home that points them in the direction of our perfect Heavenly Father.  We can not let fear, or loss of control keep us from God's will for our lives.  It was not God's plan for us to miscarry, He did not cause the death of our child.  But, He did allow it, and He used it to bring us to a place of huge blessing!!!

So in May, when we told you how anxious, nervous, and excited we would be with preparation, we were right, it just looks a little different than we thought...

The process has begun for Brett and I to be foster parents! The first couple rounds of paper work & our first walk-through have been done! Our Christmas list has been made, and we are preparing to love on kids who may not know what that looks like, and hopefully point them in the direction of the One perfect Love we all need a little bit more of!!!

So pray for us as we prepare our hearts and home! 

Waiting on the holes to be filled...

Lately I have struggled with something.  I haven't been able to give it words, so I'm not really sure how this is going to go.

I have been through most (if not all) of the emotions one would expect after a miscarriage.  But ultimately I knew I didn't want to be the girl who no one can say "baby" around.

Or invite to baby showers.  

Or talk about pregnancy.

I had to choose between joy of all the new life I am surrounded by, or letting the circumstances steal the delight in celebration with my friends and family.

I absolutely still have days of sadness.

Days of questioning.

Times of heart ache.

I still have moments of weakness when I see others experiencing things that have been taken from us.

One would expect pain with the reminders that we will not be bringing home baby in just a few short months.  But I have been caught off guard by how often I have to remind myself that wont take place.

I still catch myself shopping racks of baby clothes, reading cloth diaper how-to's,  making plans that are no longer necessary... I am a mom with-out a child.  Worse than being reminded by the world that we lost a child, Is having to remind myself that I lost a child.

We as women have been designed this way, it is woven into are existence.  I have witnessed this my whole life growing up on a farm.  So many times I have watched an animal loose their offspring and immediately start to "mother" something else.  A couple years ago a doe lost her fawn during hay season.  She started to think that a small dog was her baby and she hung around for months, often times even acting as if she thought she was just one of the dogs.

As I was navigating these feelings I have been dealing with, I began to consider something that is happening in our yard right now.  We have a guinea hen who had disappeared for awhile and we knew she had probably nested down somewhere she had been laying eggs.  Since she is the only one we have we knew that the eggs would never hatch.  She soon reappeared, we don't know if she just sat until she knew her time was up, or if something disrupted the nest, but either way she had been preparing for a flock of littles, and yet, she had none.

A couple weeks later we got some newly hatched chickens and guineas.  Our guinea hen would circle there pen and talk to them all day.  She would protect them from anything that came close to their pen.  When we began letting them free range she keeps them close.  

Her desire and design to be a mother is at work.

I am sorry to drag on with this critter talk, but I have no words of my own to describe this feeling of "loss" or "emptiness," and these examples put life to these feelings.  Something I took away from the flock in the yard...

They needed a mother as much as she wanted to be one.

Unfortunately, our own "species" if you must, is not without orphans.  

Children who need love and care.

It is said that every hole we have within us is God shaped, and only He can complete us.  

He does not leave the orphans fatherless (or motherless), and His plan is perfect.
Empty "holes" will always be "whole" with God's perfect plan...in His Perfect Timing

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October is Pregnancy & Infant loss month and through this vulnerability I hope to bring awareness to the struggles of loss... and the Hope of fulfillment through God's perfect plan.  I don't know His plan for us yet, but I do hope that through following along, you will also find hope.

Hope in Miscarriage (& other trials) Part 2

Recently, I found myself diving back into God's word specifically for what He had to say about these trials life brings us.  It has been three months since the loss of our first child.  Yes, I still think about him/her everyday. Will that eventually change? I don't know! Will the hurt go away? I don't think it will, but I do think it will change.  With each season will be a different sorrow.  Baby showers. Due Date. Childless Holidays. It will change us. These trials that we go through, there is good in them to.  When our faith is tested, it draws us ever closer to Him.  Despite the pain, we can choose to rejoice in His goodness.

“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:6-7

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing…Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.” James 1:2-4, 12

“We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:18

Not only is God there to comfort us, but there are those who have already been through the same trials who are called to rise up and comfort us.  All the same as one day, our afflictions will be the experience we need to bring comfort to the afflicted.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Not many of my words are spread across the page, and that is because there is nothing I can say in comparison to the Living Word.  Dig into It.  Let the Father wrap His arms around you.  Choose to embrace Him.  Rejoice in His goodness, even when you can't see it anywhere else.  Run to Him, and Glory will be revealed.

See 12 verses for Miscarriage...

And other posts about Miscarriage

Hope in a Miscarriage - 12 Bible Verses

One of the first things that brought me peace was remembering that our child was never ours to begin with, he/she (one day we will know) had always belonged to God, and always would.  We as parents are given a gift to care for God's children for a short period of eternity.  However "long" that may be for...

For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord.  1 Samuel 1:27-28

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”  Job 1:21

I am sending him back to you, sending my very heart. Philemon 1:12

Knowing the very fact that our child would "skip" so much pain and suffering that this world offers was perhaps the most comforting truth I could rest on!  
We cannot even fathom how much our Lord loves our children.  Yes, he loves them abundantly more than we do, and His love is PERFECT! 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.  Psalm 139:14


So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish. 
Matthew 18:14

Our precious gift, given to us for a time, is now in the arms of his/her Creator, being comforted, protected, loved, and adored.  Just as our Lord is taking care of our baby, He is reaching down to us just as well.  

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven...a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 

We must take our time to mourn, and we have a Lord who will comfort us through the heartache, pulling us all the closer to Him and His mercy.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

 For I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal, declares the Lord... Jeremiah 30:17

I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. Psalm 34:18-19

And most of all, remembering that no matter how much we ache and hurt and mourn today, there is a hope of a tomorrow, when there will be no more tears and all will be well in the presence of our Savior!!! 

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18



We are still working through this trial, another reminder of how much we need HIM.  I hope that you to can find a peace that only our Father can provide.

He Loves You

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Update: months later as I needed these verses again, and knew of so many other tragedies around me, came part 2...

My baby NEVER cries

When we found out we were expecting, the biggest fear that developed inside of me was the fear (and knowledge) that I could never completely protect my child from this fallen world. 

So upon the news that we had lost our baby at 12 weeks, immediately I was overwhelmed with thoughts of inadequacy.

shame.

I asked "what is wrong with me!?"

"why couldn't I save my baby!?"

The answer...

Because Someone else did...

In the midst of heartbreak, my Lord, as usual, provides comfort...

Comfort in knowing that my child will NEVER know suffering.  

He NEVER knew pain

She was NEVER cold

He was NEVER hungry

She was NEVER alone

He was NEVER scared

She was NEVER sick

He was NEVER sad

She ALWAYS felt loved...

Today my heart has broke for so many children who are suffering,
Today I have seen babies with cancer,
babies being held down for tests,
babies with no food, 

babies with no clothes, 

babies with no families.  

I cried with them...tears for their pain, tears for my child's joy.  

Thank you Jesus for wrapping your arms around our baby!

"There’ll be no sorrow there,

No more burdens to bear,

No more sickness, no pain,

No more parting over there;

And forever I will be,

With the One who died for me,

What a day, glorious day that will be."

PS: I am still going to tell you about Costa Rica...But had this on my mind today!

Praise the God who gives and takes away.

These next two blogs may seem a little out of order, because chronologically; they are...

The last week in May we spent in Costa Rica serving with a team of 14 individuals who gave up their week for the Kingdom of God.  It was clear God's hand and provision was all over the trip from start to finish. 

However, the hours that immediately followed the end of our journey required much more faith and prayer.

Brett and I were just as excited for the week following the mission trip to Costa Rica.  This would be the week that we went to our first doctor appointment for our first pregnancy, and in the days following we would share the exciting news with our family and friends.

However, just 3 hours after returning home from Central America, we found ourselves in the emergency room hearing the devastating news that we were miscarrying our 12 week old blessing.  Instead of showing our friends and family our baby's new T shirt we bought in Costa Rica, and announcing the December arrival; we were asking for prayers for my recovery and our understanding of the plan the God had.

-I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

In a time when it is so easy to question God, His love couldn't be more evident!  Through the encouragement and prayers of friends and family, and most of all His Word, we have been able to find some comfort in an seemingly hopeless time.  I'm not saying we don't have questions, but despite the questions, we know Who is in control.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, 

so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

2 Corinthians 12:9

We are choosing to cling to the promise that He loves us, that He gives us His best.

-as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

What better way to praise Him, than to tell you of all the wonderful things He has and is doing in Costa Rica...      (see next post)