Waiting on the holes to be filled...

Lately I have struggled with something.  I haven't been able to give it words, so I'm not really sure how this is going to go.

I have been through most (if not all) of the emotions one would expect after a miscarriage.  But ultimately I knew I didn't want to be the girl who no one can say "baby" around.

Or invite to baby showers.  

Or talk about pregnancy.

I had to choose between joy of all the new life I am surrounded by, or letting the circumstances steal the delight in celebration with my friends and family.

I absolutely still have days of sadness.

Days of questioning.

Times of heart ache.

I still have moments of weakness when I see others experiencing things that have been taken from us.

One would expect pain with the reminders that we will not be bringing home baby in just a few short months.  But I have been caught off guard by how often I have to remind myself that wont take place.

I still catch myself shopping racks of baby clothes, reading cloth diaper how-to's,  making plans that are no longer necessary... I am a mom with-out a child.  Worse than being reminded by the world that we lost a child, Is having to remind myself that I lost a child.

We as women have been designed this way, it is woven into are existence.  I have witnessed this my whole life growing up on a farm.  So many times I have watched an animal loose their offspring and immediately start to "mother" something else.  A couple years ago a doe lost her fawn during hay season.  She started to think that a small dog was her baby and she hung around for months, often times even acting as if she thought she was just one of the dogs.

As I was navigating these feelings I have been dealing with, I began to consider something that is happening in our yard right now.  We have a guinea hen who had disappeared for awhile and we knew she had probably nested down somewhere she had been laying eggs.  Since she is the only one we have we knew that the eggs would never hatch.  She soon reappeared, we don't know if she just sat until she knew her time was up, or if something disrupted the nest, but either way she had been preparing for a flock of littles, and yet, she had none.

A couple weeks later we got some newly hatched chickens and guineas.  Our guinea hen would circle there pen and talk to them all day.  She would protect them from anything that came close to their pen.  When we began letting them free range she keeps them close.  

Her desire and design to be a mother is at work.

I am sorry to drag on with this critter talk, but I have no words of my own to describe this feeling of "loss" or "emptiness," and these examples put life to these feelings.  Something I took away from the flock in the yard...

They needed a mother as much as she wanted to be one.

Unfortunately, our own "species" if you must, is not without orphans.  

Children who need love and care.

It is said that every hole we have within us is God shaped, and only He can complete us.  

He does not leave the orphans fatherless (or motherless), and His plan is perfect.
Empty "holes" will always be "whole" with God's perfect plan...in His Perfect Timing

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October is Pregnancy & Infant loss month and through this vulnerability I hope to bring awareness to the struggles of loss... and the Hope of fulfillment through God's perfect plan.  I don't know His plan for us yet, but I do hope that through following along, you will also find hope.

Remember, Revive, & Rejoice

This past week we have met every night to gather in one name to lift up our voices in prayer to the One we know can bring us revival.

two or more... and Him.

Each night many voices from one body would petition requests to our God.

So many hearts in one room, sharing testimonies of one thing...Suffering...

hearts hurting for loved ones so dear

young ones gone too soon

suffering of exhaustion, hearts worn thin

souls in need of outpouring

suffering of loss

Our souls long for revival, but what for? To take away all our suffering?

Or to remind us of it?

Jesus constantly left us the commandment to "Remember"

We are not meant to heap happiness over our pain until others can no longer see, it is still a fire burning so deep inside.

Rather, what if we remembered or sufferings as a reminder of the Hope we have in Jesus's name!

 ^"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

This past year for us has been a special kind of trial, but it would be a shame for us to not see the Glory that was revealed through every painful step.  This verse became a lifeline for me, in it a powerful reminder that as hard as the here and now seems to be, the peace of God is an unfathomable comparison.

So what is revival? A time to remember the Glory that has come and is to come from the sufferings.

"For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." Romans 8:19-25

Let your heart cry out to God, remembering all He has brought you through, most of all, setting your mind on the Glory to come.

I am so thankful for the blessing of community. So thankful for a time of Revival.  A time to remember and celebrate the Glory that is our eternity.

Will you not revive us again, that your people may rejoice in you? Psalm 85:6

A weekend of messed up plans

So, it's been awhile...

My fault, I know! 

I have been exhaustingly busy.

However, this last weekend I had a chance to get away for a conference I do my best to attend annually.  And oh boy, it was just what I needed!!! Every person I crossed paths with shared something  that seemed to pertain directly to me, and while I can't give you details (it would give something away that is saved for a later date) lets just say it was clearly a divine appointment!!! 

The eWomen conference comes at the best time every year and is ALWAYS a blessing!  This year I got to share it with these three amazing women...

I was super excited to see/hear Angie Smith.  Her story and testimony have been a source of hope for me during some trials we faced earlier in the year. Every year we volunteer at the conference and I had even signed up to work at Angie's product table.  So I was a little bummed to find out that she was unable to make the conference.  But God always has something in store for us doesn't He...

Angie's stand in for the weekend was Lisa Harper, and she and her daughter were such a blessing...He knew just what I needed!!! Lisa's testimony of adoption and some of the amazing stories of Grace she has witnessed captivated my heart! I also picked up this book...

I thought it sounded perfect for this season of life! Hopefully I can find time to dive into it!!! 

Although I still look forward to one day hearing Angie Smith speak, Lisa's story was exactly what I needed!!!